The father of my friend Rodrigo passed away in Panama a few days before Christmas. Since the funeral was the following day, Rodrigo was unable to get home to grieve and connect with his family and friends.
When I heard the news, I offered to create a ceremony so that Rodrigo could honour his father and receive love and support from his friends here in Canada.
The ceremony was simple and short. And it made a difference for Rodrigo.
I am always sorry when I hear that people choose not to have a funeral, at the request of the person who has passed away. I understand that some people don’t want a fuss to be made over them, and others don’t want a religious ceremony because it doesn’t fit with their life view.
But the funeral or memorial or celebration of life is not for the person who passed away – it’s for the people who are left behind.
All of the elements of the funeral ritual (visitation, ceremony, burial, even the lunch afterward) offer the opportunity to grieve and remember with people who share the sadness of losing someone they love. It’s a way to celebrate the life and the impact of the person who has passed. It offers support and love to those who were closest to the deceased. It helps them acknowledge that their lives have permanently changed, as they begin to face the future without their partner, parent or sibling.
When those who are left behind do not mark the death with some kind of ritual, they miss out on all of this, and it often leaves a hole in their hearts that makes it more difficult to go on.
I led a ceremony in a woman’s home on the first anniversary of her husband’s death. She said that the family did what he wanted when he died – no funeral — and a year later they were doing what they wanted. It included irreverent memories of the man, a barbeque featuring his favourite foods and the planting of a memorial garden.
Memorial rituals don’t have to be formal. They don’t have to include hymns, talks about eternal life and “The Lord is my Shepherd…” If these things are important to you, of course they should be included. But if they are not, they shouldn’t be.
Even if your loved one really didn’t want a ceremony, you can still get together with loved ones to share stories and memories. Have a meal together. Participate in something your loved one loved to do. Go to a charity event for a cause they cared about. If it feels right, include a ritual like a balloon release, a tree planting or the scattering of ashes. You can work with a celebrant or minister to plan your event, or do it on your own.
Losing a loved one is very difficult. It’s a time to take special care of your tender heart, and one of the best ways to do this is to have a ceremony or ritual to help you say goodbye, acknowledge the loss and begin to move forward. It’s an important gift to give to your loved ones and yourself.
Recent Comments